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Reply to All: No Russian, Legend of Zelda, and My Little Uppercup

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:12:00 -0800

It's called "coverage fatigue," and it happens every year. Big Publisher announces Big Game at E3, spends the next few months making sure that Big Game gets news stories, previews, videos, interviews, TV spots, celebrity endorsements, pre-order campaigns, cross-promotional tie-ins, ridiculous collector's editions, and midnight launches. By the time Big Game finally comes out, it feels like you've already played it…but wait, Big Game: Downloadable Content is coming in a week, and Bigger Game: New Location just got announced in shareholder's conference call, and maybe we'll see something at E3…?

This year, Big Game is Modern Warfare 2. On TheFeed we use a Google spreadsheet to catalog our posts, and when I tried to count how many MW2 stories we put up this week, I got one of those formula errors. We've been reading your comments about the Call of Duty carpet bombing -- all I can say is that don't worry, we're definitely working on many other things for the rest of the year (for instance, I can't wait to get my hands on New Super Mario Bros. this weekend), and we have been posting other stories…it's just that Modern Warfare 2 is indeed a huge deal, and even though we might be sick of talking about it, there's plenty about the game to talk about. "No Russian," for instance. Last week I said that we'd have to wait and see how that airport scene played out before we could accurately judge. Well, now we can…let's start it with your thoughts. I've taken these comments from this week's Feedback/Sessler's Soapbox threads:

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Did anybody complain about The Departed? (I think it won an Oscar even.) I haven't played the game but it sound very similar to what DiCaprio's character had to go through to garner the trust of Costello's gang i.e. horrible terrible things he wasn't willing to do all in an effort to bring a mad man down. -- ltmebob

The scenario was tastelessly designed and begs the question why the player couldn't murder the terrorist leader standing right next to him in the airport. After all isn't that pretty much the goal with regards to infiltration? This isn't IW pushing the medium as an art form, this is pure shock value designed to generate controversy and more dollars. The fact that it is skippable and does not include children in the airport are perfect arguments that IW is doing this simply to push the almighty dollar. -- Nhojuhc

Sure gamers will defend to death their art form and feel that it is beyond reproach, but seriously, do I have to see a mass murder to know that it's an atrocity? Powerful? I'm moved by the murder of innocents? In what way? Do I gain hatred for our enemies? Do I need to see this to know the difference between right and wrong? -- goodbiscuits

I'm just not sure this type of "simulation" is really the key we want to use to force open the door into acceptance in society as an artistic medium. There are surely more creative ways allow players to feel an emotional response, this airport scene is nothing more than a cheap, shock factor scene. I'm afraid that in the minds of those who genuinely love artistic expression and have the level of intelligence and study required to understand artistic expression and interpretation this type of "scene" is not going to help videogames move into the artistic expression realm, but in the long run might actually hinder that progress even more. -- Glo9634

Yes, the game put you in a situation where you, a player in the guise of a CIA undercover operative, had to choose whether or not to participate fully in something horrific. Why were you in that situation? How did it come down to this? Is your life, at risk for not following orders, worth as much as the people you have been ordered to kill? These are all questions you should be asking yourself through this scene. They are all emotional responses that are supposed to take you, as a player, and draw you deeper into the narrative. -- LarcenousLaugh

This level shocked me, I found it to be very disturbing and it conjured emotions I normally don't have to deal with. That being said I am glad I played it. There are very rare moments in video games where I get an emotional response out of playing. I have gone on killing sprees in GTA, I wiped out villagers in Fable, I even nuked Megaton in Fallout 3. None of these games provoked a strong emotional response to what was going on. Fallout 3 came close but not to this degree.

I can completely understand why people will be offended by this level, It is something that will drive home for a lot of people especially in a post-9/11 world. I was born in northern Ireland and my parents lived through the troubles of the whole South/North Ireland conflict (where terrorists did mow down civilians with guns/fertilizer bombs, etc.) and I am sure that if they seen this level it would bring up bad memories for them. The main shock for me was not that I was killing helpless civilians (it is just a game after all), but that this could potentially happen in the real world. -- Peatore

I think the airport scene is too clean, for lack of a better word, reason being I've played GTA , gone into an airport with a flame thrower and a machine gun and gunned people down while the were running around on fire, and then blew them up. It's part of the fun of doing things in a game that you'd never do in real life. -- Joe22

Everyone playing MW2 will react differently to this Airport situation. I shot everyone, I even made the effort to find those who were cowering behind cover and take their lives. Does this make me a bad person? I felt I owed it to the developers to engage in the scenario that was placed before me and this being my first time impersonating a terrorist in a game I thought, why not, let us commence to murdering. Now was it necessary, eh maybe, maybe not. It could have been done with a between level video/spoken narrative recap, but would that have had the same kind of impact? It's obviously creating emotions for some gamers and isn't that the point of games? To create a sense of envelopment with your characters and environment/situation. I think it was a bold move and I tip my hat. -- Sentient010

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Many excellent points have been made this week about "No Russian," which I have to believe is the most controversial scene in a video game to date, and after playing through it the other night, it's one of those things that you can't really be "wrong" about regardless of what side you come down on. (Which is not to say you can't have terrible reasoning, which I've also seen in our comments.)

For me, the scene comes down to a few things:

* Examined within the plot Infinity Ward chose to go with, the mission makes complete sense. There needed to be an impetus for what happens next in the game, and it needed to be something so incredibly powerful and horribly violent to justify the response. What happens in the airport fits that description. But the plot they chose to go with has all the subtlety of a Michael Bay film (or Tomorrow Never Dies, really), which is why something so emotionally provocative A) is surprising/shocking and B) feels out of place. It'd be like Transformers 2 preaching about the horrors of war.

* The question is: "Did I need to see that first-hand, and did I need to interact with it?" It was necessary for Pvt. Allen to be there undercover, but was it necessary for me to see the massacre through his eyes? We have to remember that this is presumably the end of a very long deep undercover assignment, and we weren't privy to Allen's experiences leading up to this. If you think about it, that could have been an entire game in itself, and the moral implications of the airport scene would have meant far more to Allen as a character and us as the players. But because it's so early in the game and lacks that context, that's where a lot of the "they did this for the shock value" argument stems from, which is totally understandable.

Would it have had the same effect if Allen was locked in a security room somewhere, watching it unfold through a window or a monitor? What if you were put in control of a civilian who had to escape, or had to watch a loved one get shot? Why not show the events through the eyes of a Moscow police officer? Like many of you argued, did we really need that scene to tell us how horrible Makarov is, especially when it was presented as optional? I would very much like to hear Infinity Ward's reasoning behind their choices.

(And did making it optional mean Infinity Ward copped out? Or did they take advantage of the medium and allow the player to choose their level of participation in a way that a similar scene wouldn't be able to do in a book or movie? There's an argument to both sides, I'm still not sure where I stand on that one.)

* Where that scene fails for me -- and it causes the whole experience to break -- is when the choice to participate is taken away and I have to fight the police force in order to proceed. As we find out at the end of the mission, it makes sense for Makarov not to care that I wasn't shooting civilians…he already knew why. The same should have held true for the airport police, who are just as innocent as the civilians they're trying to protect. Matt Keil made the point on this week's Feedback -- and it's something I definitely felt when I had to open fire -- that those virtual officers had virtual families and virtual lives that you were ending. That sounds silly to the "it's just a game!" crowd, but it's no different than words describing a character's misfortune on a page or actors "dying" in a movie. If you want your fiction to be believable, you need to be consistent. Making me shoot the cops for the sake of gameplay broke that consistency.

Another failure on IW's part provided probably the most jarring moment of the whole experience for me: walking slowly through the carnage, not firing but watching everything unfold and trying to process the imagery they were presenting…I got an on-screen reminder to switch to my grenade launcher. It was completely inappropriate for the scene, and suggestive that IW didn't really care if you shot the civilians or not.

But despite the many problems with it, where "No Russian" succeeds is that it was allowed to exist, and it made us all feel and talk about it in this way. Very few games decide to do that (regardless of their ability to do so). And one last thing to think about, in the very next mission playing as Roach in Rio and fighting against the favela militia, a civilian ran into my line of fire and was killed. That had almost an equal impact as "No Russian," and just now reminded me how I thought it was weird the initial training course had civilian targets -- not so much anymore. We can talk about this more next week, if the letters and comments keep coming in…particularly about how this is different from the civilians in Grand Theft Auto, because that is an excellent point.

But I believe we were talking about Michael Bay…

Why has Infinity Ward gone Michael Bay? -- ScienceOfSleep

Worldwide Gross Revenue (in millions, via Wikipedia)

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: $832M
Transformers: $709M
Bad Boys: $141M
Bad Boys II: $273M
Armageddon: $554M
Pearl Harbor: $449M
The Rock: $335M

I just used my official Steve Johnson Entertainment Revenue Calculator™ to add it all up: Michael Bay has made eleven-thousand billion dollars with his movies, so blowing everything up appears to be a viable creative strategy. And if Michael Bay -- and now it seems Infinity Ward -- wasn't around to provide us our guilty pleasures someone else surely would be, and perhaps with even less style. And I'll admit it, I still have a soft spot for The Rock. Nic Cage at the height of his game.

Modern Warfare 2, top of its class. Uncharted 2, top of its class. Dragon Age, top of its class... where do game developers go from here, and what is "outside of the box" anymore? -- JoeDowntown

What is the greatest online fps at the moment? And don't say COD MW2 or anything involving guitars. -- idwolf

Clearly, game developers need to make an online FPS involving guitars. That's so far outside of the box, it's back in the box. In the meantime, here's an online FPS involving dinosaurs and World War II. You are most welcome.

(This was the last letter mentioning MW2, by the way.)

When you do reviews, do your reviews happen at work or do you have to travel to play the games? Which happens more often, and did you every have an experience that will always stand out? -- bolo73

95% of the time, we review games either at the office or in the comfort of our own homes where our A/V equipment is better, the furniture is more comfortable, and clothing is optional. The off-site review events do happen, usually only with the really high-profile games from paranoid publishers, but unfortunately there's not a whole lot we can do about it if we still want to have a review ready in time for the game's retail release. When that happens, it's a relatively inoffensive affair: publishers will set up large rooms with stations for each reviewer (multiple publications will attend these events) and let them play the game in peace. It's definitely not the preferred method of reviewing, and we try to avoid it as much as humanly possible, but it's not as nefarious as some might think.

As far as notable experiences with weird review situations, I remember back when I was an intern for Electronic Gaming Monthly in my college days. It was the summer of '99, and Nintendo was incredibly paranoid about their first-party N64 games -- so much so that they had an employee travel to Chicago with the games physically locked into the N64, they had to stay in the office's demo room while the guys were playing the game, and the doors had to be locked whenever nobody was in the room -- even when they had to take a bathroom break. Things have gotten far less absurd since then, but Nintendo's still highly protective of their games prior to release.

Why does DLC for multiplatform games end up only going to one console. I like Fallout 3 and GTA4, but my PS3 isn't cutting it when it comes to my 360 DLC availablity. I understand that Microsoft wants more sales on their platform but aren't games about enjoyment, not leaving people out of the fun. -- BlakeKellermann

Because multiplatform development strategy is so essential in this generation, downloadable content is one of the few remaining trump cards for the console holders. Lost & Damned and Ballad of Gay Tony were big wins for Microsoft, so don't expect it to go away anytime soon. And I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, Blake, but games are about money. (We all gotta deal with that at some point.)

Do you think that the gaming community will be portrayed as anything more than a bunch of kids who yell racist slurs and get mad at each other, or do you think it will stay on this stereotype? -- Jopanda

What we consider to be the "gaming community" will get larger and more diverse as the years go by and more and more people are acclimated to gaming, whether through playing with their families on the Wii or playing casual games on Facebook. From there, sub-communities form with different standards for what's acceptable behavior. If we're talking about the typical FPS audience, then I can't imagine anything changing about the general player pool…ever.

Some equate Xbox Live to the schoolyard playground, but I don't buy that. There's a period of pre-pubescence when you're too old for the playground but too young to be autonomous (i.e., having a driver's license). That's the Xbox Live I'm afraid of. Before the Internet was everywhere, we would ride our bikes over to each other's houses and play games, because we were friends and that's what friends did. That the Internet (we shouldn't solely be picking on XBL here) is easily anonymous means that we don't have to maintain friendships with the people we play with, and we can curse at them without repercussions like we'd curse at cheap A.I. or bad controls. Using the term "community" to describe it doesn't seem correct. Sterling has actually been thinking about this a lot recently, look for something longer-form about this from him in the near future.

The key is to find people online who are cool, keep them on your friends list, and use the mute button as often as necessary.

Miyamoto finally started to talk a little bit about another Zelda, and in the past has talked about trying to freshen up the franchise. What would you all like to see in a new Zelda game? Are you excited about Wii MotionPlus technology and what it can bring? -- thesilentmole

Anything involving motion control needs to be built from the ground up with motion in mind (Twilight Princess was not, if you remember), and that includes some beloved Nintendo franchises that might be overdue for a complete mechanical overhaul. What I really enjoyed about Wii Sports Resort was the fencing game, particularly the little adventure mode with you running through the field and bopping guys on the head. I've never really had a problem with the current 3D Zelda combat (Wind Waker was excellent in this regard), but I could buy into the idea of MotionPlus.

But before we talk about swinging swords, the most important thing for the next Zelda game is a proper overworld. As much as I adore Ocarina of Time and recognize it for the landmark 3D game it is, my heart is still broken by the empty fields of Hyrule. In the older games, getting to each of the 8 or so dungeon puzzles could be a puzzle in itself -- they've been slowly adding those elements back into the series with Wind Waker and Twilight Princess, but it's still not the same.

And maybe it's time to change up the art style again. Not necessarily cel-shaded, not necessarily "realistic," but something unique and fresh, like how the Mario & Luigi series has a distinct look different from, say, Galaxy or NSMB.

WEBMASTER HATES YOU

I always wonder why Gouken dont have a uppercup like everybody else who knows his fighting style. Ken, Ryu, Akuma, Sakura, even Dan has a uppercup. So my question is WHY NOT A UPPERCUP! -- ben

Because a lower cup feels a lot better. Trust me.

--Webmaster

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This week's Reply-to-All has been brought to you by bananas, the East Dillon Lions, and "Just" by Radiohead. Send your letters to webmaster@g4tv.com, and I'll see you next Friday.

(Confidential to Jeff G./J. Green at E. Arts. We formally challenge you to a Mailbag-off. Please respond by sundown tonight, or you shall forfeit the contest.)

Reply to All: Call of Duty, Sexy Games, and I Don't Even Know What

Fri, 6 Nov 2009 14:04:00 -0800

I stopped playing Madden after I left the confines of college housing, as I was no longer forced to provide human competition to my addicted roommates. And even then, using the term "competition" was a stretch. Even though I love watching the sport and I know how the game works, the deeper strategy of football play-calling has always eluded me, which is why I was one of those guys who always called a fake punt on 4th and 12. It usually didn't take longer than halftime for me to be excused back to my room and Unreal Tournament. I bring this up because I had to endure last Sunday's Packers/Vikings rematch, and watching Aaron Rodgers (whom I still kind of believe in, kind of) go down sack-after-sack reminded me of my own struggles on the gridiron. Slamming my fists repeatedly on the table wasn't a show of frustration, no…it was me frantically pressing the A button to get him to throw the damn ball already. I mean, how could he not see that Driver was wide open? What camera angle is he playing with?! And shame on Mike McCarthy for not attempting a 73-yard field goal. You can't win if you don't score.

In that spirit, let's get started with this week's Reply to All, which has absolutely nothing to do with the story I just told.

* * *

Sex in video games has become much more prevalent (especially in BioWare games). I've been reading reviews for Dragon Age: Origins and most of them mention awkward sex scenes, which I felt was awkward in Mass Effect. My question, I guess, would be do you feel sex in video games really contributes to the story telling aspect of the game or is it just there to bring about some notoriety or attention to the game? -- usemeup

How much or to what effect a sex scene contributes to a story, regardless of the medium, is entirely dependent on the skill of the writers, directors, and actors involved. If done properly, it can contribute quite a lot...the ultimate expression of human love is indeed a powerful thing, but its meaning and impact is heavily dependent on the relationship of the participants. That's why it's much more challenging to get right in video games, where action frequently trumps meaningful character development, and it can easily come across as awkward or done simply for the shock value.

That's not to say that it can't be done in action movies, as anyone who's seen Shoot 'Em Up can tell you. The scene with Clive Owen and Monica Bellucci was shocking in an over-the-top way, but because it fit in with the unrestrained insanity of the entire movie, there was a certain frantic and satirical artistry to it. The closest analogy would be Kratos' exploits in God of War, which could explain why it slipped by the mainstream media relatively free of controversy.

Keep your eye on Heavy Rain, though. We recently interviewed Quantic Dream's David Cage and asked him about sexuality in games, to which he replied, "It is what two adults in love usually end up doing, it is a way to express feelings. I don’t think there is anything wrong if you deal with it in a non-gratuitous way and in a tasteful manner." Basically, if you're a developer who wants to put a sex scene in your game, it behooves you to first ask "Why?"

THIS LETTER HAS MODERN WARFARE 2 SPOILERS!

It seems that Infinity Ward is repeatedly shooting itself in the foot when it comes to the media hype around Modern Warfare 2. Back when the trailer was released that revealed there was conflict on US soil, it felt like a huge spoiler in my opinion. Then with the leaked video of terrorist gameplay and now the recent ad against "frag spamming," it feels like this media coverage has ruined a portion of the game for me. Do you guys think that the hype revolved around Modern Warfare 2 has become detrimental to the game and possibly its sales? -- jsleibold

Patrick Klepek and I talk about this on almost a daily basis, but the way Activision and Infinity Ward are handling the traditional PR run-up to Modern Warfare 2 has been utterly baffling. The amount of goodwill that Infinity Ward has accumulated over the past few years could easily put them at the level of a Valve, a Bungie, or a Blizzard: gamers believe in your brand so devoutly that you can just sit back and let the game speak (and sell) for itself. Instead, we get something new to be confused about every week.

1) We still lack the context for the scene of a destroyed Washington D.C., but regardless, that image will have lost a lot of emotional impact by the time we encounter it in the game -- just as if we saw the now-famous mushroom cloud in a commercial prior to COD4. Simply knowing that something like that exists is enough to damage the experience.

2) The airport scene is a wait-and-see thing for me. That, too, is lacking context, and since you can't fully blame Activision and IW for a leaked video, they deserve the benefit of the doubt (though it is surprising that something that controversial was allowed to get into the wild). It could be a daring and thought-provoking perspective on the blurry lines of modern-day war. Or it could be mindless shock value. We'll find out and debate it next week.

3) However, the grenade spam video was a complete public relations failure. Infinity Ward's most-outward facing employee Robert Bowling, aka "fourzerotwo," described the video as a "social commentary joke" on his Twitter feed. But what that actual commentary was still isn't very clear. That the bulk of their own audience consists of foul-mouthed adolescents? Yeah, we already know that, and it's not that funny. That the design of their game allows for poor play experiences? Also not humorous. Even in the hands of comedic masters, socially-charged humor has a lot of baggage attached, especially when you start throwing around damaging slurs (in acronym form or not).

It may not have been a "fist-bump of acceptance" of the behavior as Bowling claims it wasn't, but officially endorsing it sure as hell wasn't the condemnation it deserves.

4) That's not the only evidence that IW is having a community communication breakdown. PC gamers who were previously looking forward to Modern Warfare 2 have been getting bombed with a constant barrage of bad news. First was the $59.99 price tag (on par with the consoles, but $10 higher than the PC version of COD4), then came the news that there'd be no dedicated game servers, no mod tools, no custom maps, a reduced player limit for multiplayer, and no console commands ("console" in this instance meaning finely-tuned game and technical settings). They even took out the "lean" ability. The omissions themselves speak volumes of IW's attitude toward PC gamers, but that wasn't enough. In a recent online chat, Infinity Ward representatives treated PC-related concerns with vague answers and visible disdain:

maniac1969
Vince, there are 178,000 voices that say you need dedicated servers for the PC. COD4 is the bigest online game in history! Why in the world would you take away dedicated servers and change the whole MP experience for us? And Mackey, the PC version with dedicated servers is already the best experience the way it is!

Vince-IW
All I can say is that we changed it to make it a better and easier experience. Also, not all of the names on that list are legit. ;)

Mackey-IW
402 signed it 4 times I heard.

And:

Moriarte
Ignoring IW.net, is the PC version a direct port of the console version?

Mackey-IW
No, PC has custom stuff like mouse control, text chat in game, and graphics settings.

Here's the thing, though. Modern Warfare sold millions and millions of copies. Modern Warfare 2 is GameStop's most-preordered game of all time. While it makes a difference to industry observers like you and me, the truth is that the summation of these PR blunders does not amount to a hill of beans in the grand scheme. Call of Duty sells. And outside of the peripheral marketing noise, the games themselves are generally very well done (there's a reason 99% of people in the office can't wait to play it, even the Style Network girls).

END SPOILERS!

Are you not planning a review of Torchlight? Sure, it's PC only and has to be bought through Steam or directly from the developer, but it's becoming a really hard choice for me each day of whether to fire up Borderlands or head back into the Ember mine. At $20 it's probably the best value in gaming right now. I have a lot of respect for what you guys do on X-Play and g4tv.com, but I wish you'd give Torchlight some love. -- Brad

Torchlight isn't currently on our official reviews list, but I recently downloaded it from Steam because it's been getting such good worth of mouth. I haven't had much time to attack it yet due to other assignments, but I can easily see it eating up hours and hours of my free time just based on the 45 minutes I've put into the intro. I'll try to make more official coverage happen in the near future. In the meantime, if you like the loot, definitely check out Torchlight.

Will they make E3 open to the public? -- Michael

Probably not, but honestly...you don't want to go to E3. You want to go to Penny Arcade Expo (PAX). More and more publishers are showing their games there, there's more that's playable, and guys like me don't get to cut in front of you. E3 is properly enjoyed from the comfort of your den, office, or living room, streaming videos, reading previews, and arguing on forums while drinking tasty beverages and wearing loose-fitting clothing.

In fact…Adam and Rob, if you're reading this, I officially am choosing not to attend E3 next year. Let me know if you have any questions!

What classic Sega games would you like to see remade? Jet Set Radio is the main reason I bought an Xbox, and I'll be damned if it doesn't get another game. -- DreamingDarklyRobin

I came from a Nintendo family, so my appreciation for Sega games is based mostly on the Dreamcast. That part of me wants to see Jet Set Radio, Chu Chu Rocket, Crazy Taxi, Sega Bass Fishing, Skies of Arcadia, Virtua Cop…but another part of me wants to let that era of Sega live peacefully in the past. Their development studios aren't the same, their publishing philosophy isn't the same…and as much as we'd all love Jet Set Radio Future Perfect or Get Way More Bass!, it'd be awfully difficult to recreate that turn-of-the-millennium magic. They tried with Crazy Taxi 3, and it didn't work.

But there's no reason we can't get those games re-released on Live Arcade or PSN. You hear that, Sega? No. Reason.

I was wondering whether I should get Left 4 Dead 2 or Grand Theft Auto: Episodes from Liberty City. Can you give me your opinion? -- Julian

To me, these questions are just as ineffective as "What should I have for dinner, grilled cheese & tomato soup, or a delicious steak?" The answer, always, is to satisfy the immediate craving. L4D2 has you killing zombies with your friends. Lost & Damned and Gay Tony are really well-done Grand Theft Auto stories. If you can only do one, which one do you want to do first?

If that doesn't help, I'll flip a coin. Heads is L4D2, Tails is GTA.

….flipping….flipping…flipping…

…enjoy Liberty City!

What do you think about a G-Police remake? I think that was a title ahead of its time and suffered from lack of technology. I think with multiplayer (good guys vs. bad guys) and open world gameplay the opportunities would be near limitless. What's your take? -- ghostflesh

You know, the near-complete disappearance of space shooters has been baffling me for quite a while. It doesn't make any sense: people like shooting things, people like space, ergo, people should like shooting things in space. I know that G-Police didn't even take place in space, but its cousin Colony Wars did, and both are two PlayStation era franchises that I'd love to see come back. The developer that made them, Psygnosis, is now a part of Sony's internal studio system (renamed as Studio Liverpool). They've been busy updating their other other PSone classic franchise, Wipeout, so it's not a complete stretch to think they could do the same for G-Police and/or Colony Wars. If you put G-Police type vehicles in an open world in the vein of say, Crackdown? I would buy.

We can also hold out hope that "Starhawk" comes to fruition soon. Remember that? All we have to work on is a trademark filing from earlier this year, which includes the comment "Operating a real-time game for others over global and local area computer networks."

In the meantime, I'm going to check out Shattered Horizon for the PC. It's an FPS and doesn't involve spacecraft, but it reminds me so much of the battle room in Ender's Game that I cannot resist. I'll also continue to harass LucasArts' official Twitter feed (@lucasartsgames) to get them to re-release the X-Wing and TIE Fighter games. And...and...the great Freespace 2 is available on Good Old Games for $6.

Is there any possibility that Brutal Legend will come out for the PC? -- Gorlioth

Possible? Sure. Probable? Doesn't seem like it. Double Fine's Tim Schafer did a live chat with Eurogamer back in July and shot down the idea, stating that the game "was meant to be on a console." It's one of those situations where the door isn't locked, but it's been securely closed, soundproofed, and somebody's blocking it from the other side.

But who knows? Maybe one day you'll try to go through the door, and as you grab the handle it opens outward and almost smacks you in the face. Then you awkwardly apologize, even though it's ridiculous to feel guilty for trying to go through a door. Yes, this has been happening a lot to me in the office.

F7 Letter of the Week

need for speed sucks again heres why again they suck at making games not everyone wants to steer with the L3 button or the joy stick or the anolog stick there are those that are fine with using the direction buttons you know the buttons with arrows and here is the big one not a two player game on the ps3 internet only 2 or more forget that i want my friends in the same room to play games with and not every one has cable internet because they live to out in the striks so take your game and stick it were the sun does not shine

-- Eric M.

I sympathize with your plight, Eric, in regards to the lack of local multiplayer. We've been hearing a lot about that in Feedback and mailbag questions lately; it's something that we're going to look into.

But I am curious about your aversion to analog technology (as well as your complete aversion to punctuation, nice job on that). Especially since we're talking about a racing game. I'm going to assume you are not yet of the driving age, so believe me when I say that when you get behind the steering wheel of a real automobile, you're going to want a little more control over where you're going. There's a reason the government outlawed those giant "Left" and "Right" buttons in cars built after 1992.

WEBMASTER DOESN'T UNDERSTAND YOU

Monkey scribbles,

Corrupted illumination, banana feast. Ark house demolishing carnauba. Surfing kaleidoscope blasted noodle; abrasively down plentiful renderings child-like miasma.

Drowning intellect?

Dave
Ann Arbor, MI

Sanitized stapler,

Dwindling water supply, the sharpest of knives. Sun going down, then up, but sideways. Falling technology eats all of the cake -- phosphorescent memories reappear with severe tire damage. Three hundred and twenty-six.

Ya dig?

Webmaster
Los Angeles, CA

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Send your letters to webmaster@g4tv.com. Correspondence will be edited for sanity.

Reply to All: The G4tv.com Community Mailbag

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Reply to All, G4tv.com's new community mailbag. I'm Andrew Pfister, Senior Games Editor of G4tv.com and the captain of this particular dinghy of the site. If you've got something on your mind (not just related to games), transcribe it to electronic mail and send it to webmaster@g4tv.com. Who's Webmaster, you ask? Webmaster is the guy who hates you. If you have a question for a particular member of the G4 crew, we'll try to make that happen. I'll also be cruising the weekly call for Feedback questions, much like I cruised down Highway 100 in high school looking for girls. Note that this is not the only reference to high school girls in this edition.

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How do you feel about new PC games (most notably Infinity Ward's Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, but also Codemaster's Operation Flashpoint: Dragon Rising) that are being released without dedicated server support and which instead rely on peer-to-peer matchmaking? Personally, I think that the peer-to-peer system is inferior for technical reasons that date back to the inception of dedicated servers for the PC. -- 1234

I wrote about this in a Morning Hangover last week, but the disappearance of dedicated servers is very concerning. I wouldn't go so far as to say that matchmaking is worthless, as it does have its benefits for the less-technically inclined (i.e. "press X to play game"). But in eliminating the option of dedicated servers, Infinity Ward has turned its back on the culture that made the FPS genre thrive in the first place. Remember, it wasn't until Goldeneye and Halo that console FPS games proved viable -- Doom, Quake, Unreal Tournament, Counter-Strike and their related clans, user-made maps, and modified game types not only kept the community active, it fed back into the development process when a map-maker or a mod team got picked up by a bigger studio. Do we really want to suppress that? Can you imagine a LAN party or even QuakeCon ruled by peer-to-peer matchmaking?

Some people say that Nintendo has abandoned the hardcore, but something like this is a far more fitting example.

(And note to fellow media types: just because you don't care doesn't mean it isn't an issue.)

What caused X-Play and Metacritic to quit working together? I know it was a mutual agreement, but what caused it? -- ADALTON

Webmaster Says: We couldn’t come to an agreement on how they should convert our 5-star system into their 100-point system...They wanted to make it a straight mathematical conversion -- but that doesn’t take into account what we actually intended by our review system. So we chose to go separate ways, just like in the Journey song. (Now it's in your head!)

I've been looking around but, I can't the info I'm looking for. So you guys are my last hope. Do you guys have any new info on Parasite Eve 3? If so, please, I need to know if they are working on it and are going to release it here in the States. -- Jonathan

We haven't heard much about The 3rd Birthday in a while (we posted our first story about it over a year ago), and aside from the few screenshots we have of Aya Brea re-enacting the opening scene of Kill Bill, there isn't much to go on. That Square-Enix dropped "Parasite Eve" from the title tells us that there'll be some distance from the two previous games, but they've gone dark on the game. Parasite Eve wasn't much of a blockbuster in America, but it definitely had its fans, which makes an American release likely. You know, assuming they finish it in Japanese first.

This probably hasn't helped you much, but it's made me want to go back and finish Parasite Eve. So in that way, it is you who has helped me. I owe you one.

Many of us gamers endure a double standard set by the ESRB. You can see far more content in an R-rated movie than in an M-rated video game. In fact, most parents do not even understand what the ratings of the ESRB are, but they know what G, PG, PG-13 and R are. Retailers will never carry a copy of a rated "AO" game but they have no problem carrying a rated "R" movie which features far more adult themes etc. But an "M" game has to be watered down for the same creative content. I would love to know Adam Sessler's thoughts on this matter. -- Dave Walsh

Adam Sessler says: You know this was a really interesting comment. I hold the two perceptions as well but as I started to write this out, I started to question myself. The last game I know had content left out due to ESRB concerns was 2008’s Condemned 2. That’s not to say that it isn’t happening on other titles but, to be fair, I have not been left wanting by many (good) games thinking they could have effectively pushed the envelope. To the second point, I concur that there is a sense that R-rated movies tend to show scenes of more explicit sex and violence than we see in games, but in the movies it’s a singular instance, whereas in a game it would be a sequence repeated numerous times through the gameplay, and that does present a distinction in what is tolerable. Where I think Dave and I are of similar minds is the overall “Nanny-ness” of the ESRB and, for me at least, the MPAA, that the very fact that there’s an oblique organization that purports to act in our interests by holding sway over creative endeavors. Philosophically I take exception, although the practical application is far less odious.

What do you guys think of this season of The Hills? -- twistedtears

I get all of my reality show knowledge by watching The Soup. (Disclaimer: The Soup is on E!, G4's sister network and is, disclaimer, hilarious.) All I can tell you is that I really want to start wearing an obnoxious cowboy hat to work. And everywhere else.

"That's the problem."

You said to ask anything on your post "We Want to Read Your Mail." So here is a question not related to gaming. Why do my parents dislike my new girlfriend without getting to know her because she is younger then me? -- XC

You're leaving out a key detail here, XC, and its omission kind of makes me think I already know why your parents disapprove of your special lady. But I'll consult the spreadsheet.

If both of you are over 18, and the age difference is…

…5 years or less: Green light.

…between 5 and 15 years: Unorthodox (and 15 is pushing it), but love conquers all.

…between 15 and 40 years: Except for that. While in this age range, prowling for younger girls makes you a creep, and leaving someone for a younger girl makes you an a-hole.

…40 years or more: The closer you get to retirement age, the more you can get away with in life. Just don't expect people to take you seriously. (And keep an eye on your savings account.)

If both of you are under 18:

The spreadsheet can't process the volatility of teenage romance. Just realize that the four-year difference between freshman and senior isn't the same thing as the four-year difference between, say, 27 and 31. Unless, of course…

If you're over 18 and she's not: It's not just your parents you need to worry about.

Is Activision trying to rip us off? -- Charlie Frank

Activision is a publicly-traded corporation that needs to be profitable every quarter. Let's leave it at that.

F7 Letter of the Week

hey im pretty exited about the facebook bar that is going to be in the x box dashboard.
i was wondering if through this new feature you can know all your facebook freinds gammertags that they set up using the same email and befreind em.
also i wanted know whats the best game to ask for this upcoming chrismas. in the xbox 360 genre.
thanks a bunch

-- Skylar Belt

The passage of time since you sent this letter has hopefully resolved the first part of your question, Skylar. (Answer: yes, yes you can.)

As far as best game in the Xbox 360 genre…I would have to go with either shooter or racer. You'll be happy with both.

* * *

Send your letters to webmaster@g4tv.com. Send your love to everyone.

We Want To Read Your Mail

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 11:24:00 -0700

For 77 entries and counting, we've been asking you questions in our Morning Hangovers. Now it's your turn to ask us, your humble and impossibly attractive G4tv.com Staff. Starting very soon, we'll be rolling out a weekly mailbag that will feature your letters, questions, observations, musings and other related synonyms. Obviously, we expect a lot of the correspondence to be gaming-related, but feel free to inquire about anything that comes to mind. And if you've got a question for a particular member of the staff, we'll make that happen.

But in choosing your topic, be warned: Webmaster, aka He Who Hates You, will be reading.

Send your amusing, thought-provoking, and spell-checked letters to webmaster@g4tv.com

The Webmaster LOVES This Kid

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 15:00:00 -0700

I get a lot of email. And as any of you that have ever emailed me know, I personally respond to almost all of it. Most of the email is spam and crap. Some of it is mildly amusing. And I still occasionally get angry emails about how we ate Leo Laporte (he was delicious, BTW).

Every once in awhile I receive something brilliant, like the email below. I'm challenging YOU Feed readers to help prove/ disprove his hologram concept. Either way I'm sending him all the swag I can find. You have to respect anything that involves a diagram made in MS Paint.

Dear Webmaster,

I think I have an idea for a hologram!! My science teacher isn't actually into science, so she won't really work with me. :(

I thought that the webmaster would know a thing or two, or at least enough to tell me it wouldn't work, or that it is a waste of time and effort, or maybe make it so ridiculously funny it can't be seriously considered.

It goes like this:

A beam of tightly focused light is shot up vertically from a projector-like mechanism (I do not know if different colors on the spectrum can be seen in one wave, but if projectors were also located on the horizontal, and those colors mixed with each other, you could *potentially* mix them and create some semblance of floating pixels), and another beam is shot down at a fraction of a fraction of a second later, to meet and possibly cancel out the first vertical wave. Now, I am only 14, and only recently introduced to the field of physical science, but I am very excited about this idea, albeit rough and hard to explain in words. If you cannot aide me, I would greatly appreciate it if you relayed this message to perhaps a personal friend/ known expert in the field, etc.

Attached is some kind of equally rough diagram.

Infinite thanks,
D. L. Snyder

P.S.--G4 ftw.

So there you have it, folks. Help me help him in the comments section.

The Webmaster Hates Internet Explorer 6

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 09:43:00 -0700

Dear Internet Website Visitor,

If you're visiting this website using Internet Explorer 6, this message is for you. If not, please move along.

G4tv.com and all of the awesome future iterations we have planned for it/ you are best experienced using a modern web browser. IE6 is not a modern web browser, and we're no longer going to support it.

Don't panic though, as updating your browser is free, easy and mostly painless. And you'll have the added benefit of making your Internet browsing more secure. And you'll contribute to peace on earth.

Ok Mr. Webmaster Guy, now what do I do?

Well, you can simply upgrade from IE6 to IE8. If that's how you choose to roll, click here to download IE8. Microsoft will guide you through the rest from that page.

If you don't want IE8, can't upgrade or just want to try a new experience then you should try either Firefox 3 or Google Chrome.

If you have any questions, require and additional assistance or just need a hug, you can email me or post in this forum thread.

UPDATE: Just to be totally clear for those of you who visit the site from work/ computers you cannot update - G4tv.com will still work in IE6 - you'll still be able to read the blogs, rant on the forums, watch videos, etc. It just might not look as pretty or function exactly as intended.

Thanks for your continued support of G4tv.com - we have some really cool stuff coming up on the site that I hope/ think you'll love...

The Webmaster Hates You, Loves His Job

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 14:51:00 -0700

As you probably already know, G4's Webmaster hates you. But he doesn't hate his job. He loves his job. Not only does his job get him chicks, a slow Friday workday will often result in a company-wide, nerd-riffic email chain of ultimate win.

Today's subject:

Courtney K: Do light-sabers work underwater? Inquiring (nerd) minds want to know.

Matt K: Nerd thrusters are go.

Generally, no. If water gets into a non-waterproof saber and it isn’t allowed to dry out, it will short out when activated. This originally was supposed to happen to Obi-Wan in Episode 1, which is why Liam Neeson has to save his ass when he comes running into the scene being chased by the droid on the STAP. But the scene where Neeson lectures him about it was cut. After this incident, Obi-Wan waterproofed his saber, which is why he doesn’t have a problem with it fighting Jango Fett in the rain in Episode 2.

Some stories indicate that sabers will short out if the blade even touches liquid, but this is generally ignored because it implies that the best weapon against a Jedi is a bucket of water. It is possible to make a saber that can be used fully underwater. Kitt Fisto is of an amphibious alien race and uses a specially designed saber that could be used for underwater combat.

Courtney K: Therefore, Wonder Twin Zan > Jedi.

Mike B: Marry me, Matt K.

Matt V: The “wrist hilt” is pretty sneaky. Although one downside I see to that is that you’d probably have a ton of shirts with the end of the sleeves burnt/charred off, especially if you’re a little guy with sloping shoulders. You’d have to have a “go out to attack someone” and a “just goin’ out” wardrobe. And on a Jedi salary, that may not happen.

Adam J: Jedi’s get a salary? I wonder what tax bracket they’re in?

Jedd S.: Do Jedi’s still get year-end bonuses if the Imperial Senate falls to the Galactic Empire?

Matt K: Yes. That’s why Palpatine had them all killed. It Saved the Empire billions.

Rob R: Wouldn't the Saber instantly turn the water to steam? As the water molecules came in contact with the saber, wouldn't they expand and move away, causing more H2O molecules to come into contact with the saber? Thus producing a runaway steam outgassing like a small volcano vent on the bottom of the ocean?

Robert J.: I'm fairly confident that you just detailed the plot from 'Jedi Steamroom Adventures 6' out this Spring on Vivid Video.

Courtney K: That's assuming that a saber is "heat," rather than "light." If it's heat, perhaps. If it's light, then I would guess that it would just refract differently under water (and other atmospheres) just as the light from a flashlight would. If it's both, then...???

*Braces herself for getting bashed by people who know more about physics*

Rob R.: Well, if it was just a flashlight, it could hardly slice through metal, or arms, or whatever you are slicing through.

Matt. K: It's already been demonstrated in Phantom Menace that they can use a light-saber to cut through a heavy steel door, and made it glow red-hot, so I'm going with the "light sabers are really hot" theory.

A saber cut cauterizes wounds and leaves molten metal behind at cut points. In Episode 1, Qui-Gon uses his saber to bring the durasteel blast doors of the Trade Federation ship to melting point. So sabers are definitely hot, but whether or not they give off heat at all is a matter of debate due to the differences in effects between the original films and the prequels.

Before the prequels, it was assumed that a lightsaber was a perfectly efficient device. It doesn't give off any heat or light outside of what you see in the blade. This was partly due to having to explain why the sabers didn't cast a colored glow on their surroundings, because they were just drawn in during post.

In the prequels, the tech existed to have the light sabers cast colored glow on everything around them...and so they did. This contradicts the "perfect efficiency" thing, however, leading to questions of whether or not a saber bleeds off heat, as well.

In the case of plunging a saber into water, you probably would end up with a violent evaporation situation, judging by the way the raindrops in several videogames hiss when landing on a saber blade. That would actually be an awesome way for a Jedi to get away from pursuers, which may explain why Lucas never thought of it.

Jeremy R. WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE NOT WORKING?!! (Just kidding, loving this nerd parade.)

Jedd S:

Jason P:

Adam J:

Jason P:

Jonathan G:

(Ed: A brief explanation of G4 lore: A long time ago, a G4 email thread about the merits of breakfast foods from the East Coast raged on for several days and several hundred emails. Since then, Dunkin' Donuts has become a signifier for "This thread has gone on long enough!")

If there's some angle on the under-water light saber issue the meticulous nerds here at G4 missed, please add it in our comments section below!

The Webmaster Hates Liars

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 09:56:00 -0700

Hello, gentle readers, welcome to another edition of The Webmaster Hates You, in which G4's Webmaster answers your questions... with a vengeance!

Today's entry comes via TheFeed's tip line, an easy-to-use avenue to provide us with exciting news tips. The thing is, we'd like your tips to be true, and if your tip isn't true, at least make it plausible.

Check out this email exchange between yours truly and "greg" a Feed reader: (we retained all grammatical errors and misspellings to retain the authenticiy of our valued readers)

Greg: ok, my name is greg and i have an uncle who works at sony. so a couple days ago was my birthday. imagine my surpise when he said "be careful with this, this is the new psp." the new psp has a sliding touchscreen, 4 shoulder buttons and 2 analog sticks. now this makes for grreat gaming.

Webmaster: Okay. I’ll bite. Send me a photo of this new PSP and I’ll post it.

Greg: i cnt take a pic because my camera isbroken

Webmaster: Haven't you been on the Web long enough to have heard the phrase "Pics or it didn't happen?" Besides, it says "Sent from gReG's iPod touch" right at the bottom of your email. So, you do have a camera. (UPDATE: According to our comment section, the iPod Touch doesn't have a camera. Number one: Wow, you guys are nerds. And two: Why the hell doesn't the iPod Touch have a camera?? I want answers, Steve Jobs. Call me immediately!)

Greg: would u pay to see a video/ pic of the new psp? i can use my friends camera. its realllly kool.

Webmaster: Sure! I'll totally pay. How much would you like me to send you?

...And I haven't heard back from him in days... So, readers, do you think Greg really has a new PSP? Or is he trying to trick me on the Internet??

Rules for Commenting: How To Avoid The Banhammer

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 10:01:00 -0800

You guys got a little out of control in the comments for X-Play's Best of 2008 winners and we think it's time to reinforce the rules of commenting on this website. We're going to be dropping the banhammer more often and here are some ground rules on how to avoid being banned:

No personal attacks. If you have an issue with someone's opinion, cool. That's what opinions are all about. This doesn't mean, however, that it's time to call them names or attack them. We encourage you to discuss your differences, but do so in a mature and respectful way. Stick to the issues.
No hate speech including racism and homophobia. Any racist or homophobic comments will be deleted and will result in an immediate ban. This includes calling things "gay" as a negative. And no, it doesn't matter if you say, "I'm not trying to be racist, but..." and then say something racist.

You can have your flame wars, but keep it about the products.

How You Can Help

When you see a comment that breaks these two simple-to-follow rules, use the "Flag this comment for review" button. This doesn't mean you should "Flag" comments that you don't agree with.

Someone saying, "The Wii is better than the Xbox 360", should not be flagged.

Someone saying, "You're an idiot for thinking the Wii is better than the Xbox 360", should be flagged. That's probably not volatile enough for a ban, but we'll take notice of comments like this and keep a record.

If you abuse the flag system, you will be warned. Don't abuse the system.

Please use this thread to ask questions about these rules and one of the writers will answer you.

G4tv.com User Comment Reacharound

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 14:45:00 -0800

You're awesome. Well, most of you are awesome. Well, lets just say that some of you have expressed your awesomeness in more awesome ways than others... specifically as blog comments.

So without any warning, pre-planning or official contest nonsense, we'd like to randomly reward a few of you with some bitchin' figurines from our friends at Spawn.com. The comments below amused us in some way, so the users will get either a Guitar Hero, Call of Duty or Halo 3 Multiplayer figure of our choosing. Think of it as a 'Webmaster Loves You'.

Last Friday we posted a 'LittleBigPlanet Developer's Favorite Levels' story and kangy3 told the world "screw lists that start with 1". Indeed.

This week's edition of Sessler's Soapbox was a hotbed of fanboy debate, as Adam took on the Gears 2 vs Resistance 2 nonsense going on over at Metacritic. Amongst the nearly 300 comments, RTR's shone brightly saying "I wish all the fanboys in the world had one ass so I could put my foot in it. Sigh. Wish I had a voice like Rorshach".

In Thursday's 'EA Making Own Wii Workout Game' post, Mouth_of_Sauron dropped this bit of witty wordplay on the internet: "Oh thank god. I can't weight to lose wait." Do you see what he did there?

And there were a lot of good comments on our 'Armless German Shoplifter Steals TV' story from late Monday. Of all of them, WalterWhite's comment of "That's nothing. Guess where they hid the remote" made us literally LOL (LLOL?).

Thanks to all of you for helping us make this website a better place to hang out... and as long as you keep making awesome comments, we promise to start doing this little user reacharound more often... at least until we run out of crap to steal from the stockpile under Pereira's desk. Apologies for any brilliant comments that we missed, there are clearly a lot more good ones, but the Webmaster wants to go home and play video games. We'll get you next time.

Love, Webmaster

The Webmaster Hates the Commercialization of Christmas

Wed, 12 Nov 2008 09:37:00 -0800

Hello gang, you've asked for the Webmaster to Hate on You more, so now you get two in one week. I hope you're proud of yourselves.

I get a lot of spam. More than you can probably imagine. Most of it is in foreign languages, presumably offering some lottery winnings and/ or the enlargement of The Webmaster's Penis.

Today I received this gem:

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From: Marcus
Date: Tue, 11 Nov 2008 22:58:35 -0800
To: Webmaster
Subject: Jesus and Santa

We would like to share with you an image we've created that has the commercialized symbol of Christmas (Santa) bowing at the feet of our Lord.

www.JesusandSanta.com

If you appreciate or identify with this symbol, feel free to share with family and friends.

Best,
Marcus

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I wonder if Marcus recognizes the irony of SELLING items related to his protest of the over-commercialization of Christmas. Now while the Webmaster might Hate You, he respects all beliefs... but you have to admit that nothing says "I respect my Lord and Savior" like a doggie t-shirt. Very classy.

The Webmaster Hates You Returns

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 13:50:00 -0800

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes and/ or a strong case of syphillis.... its back! The Webmaster Hates You returns!

Here's an actual exchange between yours truly and and well, one of you, apparently. As usual, all we've done is edit out the f-bombs. And re-ordered the emails so you can read them top to bottom. You're welcome.

------------------------

From: Amanda R
Date: Fri, 7 Nov 2008 09:42:11 -0800
To: webmaster@g4tv.com
Subject: you ....

you suck big ballz f**k you you bastard!!!!!

From: webmaster@G4tv.com
To: Amanda R
Sent: Friday, November 7, 2008 1:03:09 PM
Subject: Re: you ....

Mom?

From: Amanda R
Date: Mon, 10 Nov 2008 09:38:29 -0800
To: webmaster@G4tv.com
Subject: Re: you ....

excuse me im not you mom bastard.. im your worst nightmare!! hahaha

From: webmaster@G4tv.com
Date: Mon, 10 Nov 2008 09:54:27 -0800
To: Amanda R
Subject: Re: you ....

Oh. That sucks. I was really hoping it was Mom this time, that’s exactly how she used to talk to me when I was a baby... Before she ran off with that Cirque de Soleil nonsense. F'ing french clowns. Hate them.

Things The Internets Want To Know

Wed, 5 Nov 2008 15:44:00 -0800

We have access to all kinds of analytical material here at The Feed, which we use to figure out what you guys like and don't, and where you come from when you come to the site. One of the most interesting things we have access to is a list of searches that led you to our site. So, we're going to share some of the weirdest search terms with you in a new feature we like to call Things The Internets Want To Know.

First, we had a bunch of what we can only assume were parents searching for "Club Penguin," which led to our funny, but definitely not family friendly internet meme that showed...well...penguins getting clubbed. This amuses us greatly.

Also interesting (but not necessarily search related) was the fact that last month we received one single visitor from each of the following places; Turkmenistan, East Timor, Cook Island, Christmas Island, Micronesia, Burundi, and Antarctica. Thanks, Antarctica, but, seriously, West Timor, get on the stick, will ya?

But our favorite thing that the Internets Wanted to Know last week was...Can you have a female wizard?

Google's infinite wisdom sent that random searcher to our Diablo III Hands-on post from last month's Blizzcon. Since our Diablo piece couldn't possibly have given that new G4tv.com visitor what they were actually looking for, and because it was one of the more amusing things we've seen the internets search for in some time, we would be remiss if we didn't take some time and answer that question:

The short answer is "yes," but the long one is much more complicated. Due to the Wizarding Equal Rights Scroll of 1411, the Wizarding Parliment, also known as the Kazaambinet, was forced to recognize the existence of female wizards, instead of calling them "witch," or the much less-used but no less derrogetory "spell curtains."

The most famous of all of these female wizards, Hermoine the Comely, was given her own wing of the Castle of High Wizardry in the late 17th Century, but was sealed and later reduced to ashes when it was found that Hermoine was not, in fact, a female, but a man named Haag who learned a spell that made him look like a woman. A comely one, at that.

So, there's your answer. Aren't you glad you searched?

The Webmaster Hates You: Everything is Wrong

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 13:54:00 -0700

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes... the Webmaster Hates You is back. w00t.

From: Robert H. [mailto:robert.XXXX@XXX.net]
Sent: Saturday, April 19, 2008 2:43 PM
To: Webmaster G4
Subject:

wtf is wrong

Dear Robert,

It's hard to say, as there are *so* many things wrong with the world. Off the top of my head:

The economy
The inevitability of death
Dependence on foreign oil
The fact that the Boston Celtics are really that good
The death of quality rock and roll music
The fact that people keep letting M Night Shyamalan make movie
The war

Remaking EVERY TV franchise ever into a crappy movie
We’ve all lost our spark
My Chemical Romance
emo haircuts
The death of the power trio
Hot Topic
The septic bite of the Komodo Dragon
Carl’s Jr. has a burger called the “Six Dollar Burger,” but it doesn’t cost six dollars, and it doesn’t taste like it costs six dollars

Regardless of all of these things, the state of my mustache is still STRONG. So there is hope.

As always, send your love notes, missives and poorly spelled hate mail to webmaster@g4tv.com.

Love,
Webmaster

Automated Webmaster Response System

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 19:59:00 -0700

After a long hiatus... Webmaster Hates You is back! Its like herpes, but with less frequent outbreaks.

In this edition, your Webmaster opts to respond as if he is an automated system and something resembling comedy ensues. This thread is posted in reverse order so you can read it from the top down. Enjoy.

From: B & D
Sent: Saturday, April 12, 2008 2:33 PM
To: Webmaster

You suck
_____________________________

From: Webmaster
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2008 9:56 AM
To: 'BARRY'

DOES NOT COMPUTE. PLEASE REPHRASE YOUR QUESTION.
________________________________

From: BARRY
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2008 11:28 AM
To: Webmaster G4

This message has our contact info, but was obviously generated as spam from somebody's address book. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Barry
________________________________

From: Webmaster
Sent: Monday, April 14, 2008 5:56 PM
To: 'BARRY'

APOLOGY ACKNOWLEDGED. WE COOL. BLEEP.
________________________________

The Webmaster LOVES your emails, so keep sending them. He also loves referring to himself in the third person, hates people who whistle loudly in public and has the most impressive mustache you've ever seen. These things are important for any internet website professional.

Love,

Webmaster

Webmaster Hates You

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 14:01:00 -0700

The Webmaster Hates You is a semi-regular TheFeed feature in which we answer your email. Doesn't that sound like fun?

From: Robert XXX [mailto:robertXXXX@yahoo.com]
Posted At: Tuesday, August 28, 2007 8:39 PM
Posted To: Webmaster G4
Subject: Order of Tv

Hello This is Mr Robert I will like to know if you do have Plasma TV in stock for sale?I will like to know the prices and the method of payment you do acept.

And also I will like to have your contact number for more informations.

Thank you hope to hear from you.

Best Regards ROBERT....

From: Webmaster G4
Posted At: Tuesday, August 28, 2007 8:39 PM
Posted To: Robert XXX [mailto:robertXXXX@yahoo.com]
Subject: Order of Tv

Mr. Roberts, we have determined that it is mathematically impossible that a person as dumb as you could be alive.

At last count there were over 17,852 retailers on the internet offering plasma televisions, and only one cable network devoted to videogames and popular culture, yet, somehow, you eschewed the obvious choices for purchasing a plasma television and instead decided to bother me. This is strike one against you.

Strike two: not only have you addressed your query to the wrong person, you also seem unable to understand the basics of how to exchange money for good and services. Even if I did want to sell you a plasma TV, do you really think I want to list out my plasma TV wares for you, individually, in an email? Don't you think that a reputable plasma TV business would have already collected and organizes price lists and payment methods and be eager to display it to any interested customers? Say in the form of a catalog or a web page that offers televisions for sale? That's how the game is traditionally played, Mr. Robert.

Strike three: You already have my "contact number for more informations;" you wrote me an email, remember? That's the only way you will ever contact me.

I hope you never get your plasma television.

Anonymous Posters

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 16:42:00 -0700

A note to regular (and new) Feed Readers,

Due to overwhelming demand and the infallible stupidity of anonymous internet users, we've temporarily turned off the ability to post as a non-registered guest. We wanted to make this place a more open and public forum for important discussions such as "PS3 IZ TEH BOM" and/ or "I HART XBOX YAY!", but clearly we underestimated the power that anonymity wields over some of readers of this fine internet weblog.

That said, we're working on a comment ratings system that will allow you to give comments a thumbs up or down, and will automatically collapse any comments deemed lame by the majority. Should prove interesting.

If you've been posting anonymously we encourage you to register. Its totally free and mostly painless.

We sincerely appreciate the time you take to help make this blog better via your witty comments and intelligent observations, so keep up the good work and have a nice day.

Love,

TheFeed

A Note To TheFeed Readers

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 15:46:00 -0700

First off, we’d like to thank all our commenters for their contribution to the site. You guys rock. But (and we have a big but) we’ve been noticing a lack of civility on TheFeed’s message boards lately.

Put simply, some people are being all jerky.

Rampant jerkiness makes TheFeed a less-fun place for everyone.

While we value an open forum for our readers, this new undercurrent of jerkiness is forcing us to put our foot down a bit and establish some rules.

1) The most important rule of TheFeed: Don’t be a jerk. Please take a moment to monitor your words before you push that “post” button. Ask yourself: “Am I being jerky here?” If the answer is “yes” or even “kinda,” don’t post it. Do something else instead. Go ride your bike or something. We encourage strong opinions, attempts at comedy (even if they’re not funny) and physical descriptions of your girlfriend, so there’s no need to feel stifled. You just shouldn’t be a jerk.

2) If you really, honestly need “jerky” defined for you, here’s as close as we can come: Racist and profane statements will be deleted/edited at our discretion. Personal attacks on other users aren’t cool and will be deleted.

3) Try to have some kind of point for your posts. Instead of: “OMG! (INSERT GAME SYSTEM) Sucks!” Try: “I find the lack of graphical power in the (INSERT GAME SYSTEM) makes most next-gen titles look too muddy and jaggity. I prefer (OTHER GAME SYSTEM).

4) If you break these rules, we will warn you once. Then we will ban you. We don’t want to ban you. We like you. But we will ban you, rest assured. Ultimately, who can post on TheFeed is up to us. We’re fair people, but there is no appeal process to banning. When you’re out, you’re out.

5) Remember, we’re all gamers, whether we play a PlayStation 3, a 360, a Wii or a Colecovision. Everyone just wants to have fun playing videogames. Don’t take any of it too serious and, if you can’t manage respect, at least have a little common courtesy for your fellow gamer.

Now here's a cat who looks like Hitler.

Webmaster Hates You

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 14:09:00 -0700

The Webmaster Hates You is a semi-regular TheFeed feature in which we answer your email. Doesn't that sound like fun?

From: Tim B*******
Sent: Monday, April 30 , 2007 1:12 PM
To: webmaster
Subject: question...

i heard about like the free deals for like ps3s and other consules is it true? how do i get one?

From: Webmaster
Sent: Monday, April 30 , 2007 1:12 PM
To: Tim B*******
Subject: question...

Dear Tim, there are websites on the internet that will pay top dollar for questionable photographs of your sister. This money can be exchanged for goods and services, including a PS3.

Also, I'm sorry you've been failed by the public education system in the United States.

Webmaster Hates You: Hot Coffee

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 14:55:00 -0700

The Webmaster Hates You is a semi-regular TheFeed feature in which we answer your email. Doesn't that sound like fun?

From: ***************
Sent: Wednesday, March 14, 2007 1:12 PM
To: webmaster
Subject: please

Can u please tell me the hot coffee code

From: Webmaster
Sent: Wednesday, March 14, 2007 2:59 PM
To: ***************
Subject: please

You nasty little thing. You think I don't know what you're going to do with that hot coffee code? Why, I can only imagine you there in your parents' basement with the TV tray set up next to your chair, family-sized bottle of lotion at the ready. Maybe some baby wipes. You know that there's no redeeming social quality to the hot coffee code, don't you? You won't learn anything, you little perv. It's prurient, and nothing more. As a matter of fact, I should report you to the videogame authorities for even requesting it...

Are they gone? Good. I only have about 30 seconds...It's up-up-down-right-up-left...

...and that's why your weak moral fiber will be damaged forever. Don't write me again on this topic. Especially not on my home email address. Especially not after the hour of 7PM PT, because that's when they go home for the evening.

Sincerely repulsed,

The Webmaster