Below is a list of our personal pics for the most Epic Fail game characters of all time. We're not saying the games they star in are bad--in fact a good game often makes the failings of the main character stand out more than a crappy title--but the moteley collection of nincompoops and want-wits below are all epically failure-tastic.
Samus Aran: On the surface, Samus seems like a pretty awesome videogame protagonist. She kicks ass and doesn’t take any guff from Space Pirates. However, she just can’t seem to hold on to all her power-ups. At the beginning of every game she up and loses all her gear forcing you to get it all again. Conveniently, each planet she visits to unleash her hellish genocide among space-fairing pirate-types seems to have her exact power-ups in stock. There’s usually only one of each and a few new ones for good measure, but they are there. They’re also usually hidden at the end of stupid puzzles that make you bomb jump or defeat a boss. The Space Pirates should probably just toss them in the trash. Samus, you are awesome, but get an Epic Fail for not staying awesome at the beginning of your games.
--Brian Leahy
Bubba from Boogie: While everything about this game could constitute an epic fail, nothing stands out more in my mind than Bubba's attempt to become the face of the game that comes closest to making all Wii-haters right in their prejudice. In addition to being the mascot for the worst game yet for the Nintendo Mini-game machine, Bubba is a Boog. That's right, the characters in Boogie are referred to as Boogs. I was a fan of Boogs myself, probably around the time I was 4 or 5. I really have no interest in revisiting that hobby.
--Jonathan Hunt
Crash Bandicoot: Not as fast as Sonic and not as dirty as Conker, Crash Bandicoot has been slopping around the edges of videogame celebrity since his PlayStation debut in 1996. Born at the tale end of the brief, regrettable Aussie craze of the 90s, Crash, a super-evolved Bandicoot who fights pollution, seems to have been born out of a boardroom filled with clueless suits more concerned with keeping things “xtreme” (and extremely marketable) than in creating an interesting character. Not that his games are bad necessarily, but Crash Bandicoot seems is entirely stuck in the hyper mid 90s, when everything screamed at you and had to be totally in-your-face like a can of Jolt cola or the Clinton administration.
--Stephen Johnson
Sonic The Hedgehog: Being hooked early on in my adolescence by Mario and dedicated to the Nintendo world of consoles and games until the PS2, Sonic always looked so lame and confusing from my incredible world of Mario fanboyism. First of all, the game is too fast to see what the hell is going on. You zip through the level maybe collecting rings at a thousand miles an hour until, oops, you touch a bee with a metallic ass and all of your rings pop out. And if the first game wasn't bad and confusing enough, the sequels were always assy followed by more assy. Weird, unnecessary and/or cumbersome characters like Miles "Tails" Prower, Knuckles the Echidna, and Amy Rose made the sequels impossible to play.
Ya know, maybe Sonic would be bearable or even interesting if Mario didn't exist. But when you look at the both of them, Sonic is just not in the same league. Both of their first games were meant to propel the main character to posterboy-for-the-console status. They're both platformers and they both collected gold and had an ongoing battle with a fat dude. But Sonic is really just the knockoff Mario. It's like going to a flea market and wanting to buy Mario but all they have is the crappy bootlegged Mario whose only difference is that he can run fast and make annoying whirring sounds. So glad Mom got me a NES. Sonic, you suck.
--Ty Colfax
Billy Lee: Double Dragon (Arcade): If you play the arcade version of this game in co-op mode, you take on the role of Billy Lee and enlist the help of your brother, Jimmy to help you get back your kidnapped girlfriend Marian. The two of you spend the entire game brawling with badass martial artists who could show Chuck Norris a thing or two, and then, when you defeat the final boss, Marian asks you to fight each other to see which one of you is going to earn the rights to her lovin’. So, after Jimmy has helped you fight every gang member in the entire city, you beat his ass so you can get laid. Lame, dude. Bros before hos!
--Eugene Morton
Nintendogs: These are the worst ever gaming protagonists. They’re needy, they don’t accomplish anything, and they depend on you to do everything for them. Also, they’re stupid, they have no weapons, and they can’t even defend themselves against starvation. Plus, they let you put hats and tiaras on them. Try that with Solid Snake, and you’re getting your arms broken.
--Michael D'Alonzo
Gordon Freeman: F**KING SAY SOMETHING ALREADY!!!
--Patrick Roche-Sowa
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