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Wheelman, a joint project between Ubisoft and Midway, is an all-out driving-centric action game that puts most of its emphasis on creating one uninterrupted stream of over-the-top, highly explosive vehicular insanity. While there is a healthy bit of on-foot gunplay, the game’s sole purpose is to satisfy two of our most primitive desires, driving fast and blowing &#!* up. Sadly, most of the game’s visceral offerings are undercut by some poor design choices, ridiculous balancing issues, and a thoroughly uninteresting story.

Who Needs Story When You Have Explosions?

Wheelman’s story is about as uninspired and as shallow as a narrative can get, even for a Hollywood-blockbuster-style action game. Adding insult to insult is the fact that the developers apparently brought on working screenwriters to work on it. Sadly, you’d never know by what’s onscreen here (For example, the big “twist” is obvious by the end of the second scene). Vin Diesel (who has to be the most digitally rendered actor of all time, right?) plays Milo Burik, an undercover CIA-ish agent sent to investigate three crime syndicates in Barcelona. Given his position, it’s not surprising that we don’t know anything about him, nor do we learn anything of value over the course of the game. I’m assuming this is lack of info is meant to simulate the idea of him being a mysterious, undercover agent, but it makes for a very dull story, especially since Milo has the exact same demeanor throughout the entire game.

Milo’s main objective is to infiltrate the three major crime families, and disrupt a major deal involving a briefcase that contains something that “could kill thousands.” (Minor spoiler alert: That’s all we ever find out about the contents of the briefcase, and this info only comes at the end of the game.) While we’re on the subject of poor storytelling, there’s a point in the game where you find out that one of the characters that was supposed to be helping you is actually working for a rival gang. How do you find this out? A cut scene that has no build up or explanation, complete with a title screen that says, “So and so has set a trap and is working with so and so.” It’s one of the lamest and laziest moments in a video game narrative I have ever seen.

Less Talky. More Drivey. More Shooty.

The single player story mode (the only one in the game, since there is no multiplayer) lasts around eight hours, depending on how many side missions you complete along the way. Of course, there is some incentive to complete the side missions, since completing them can result in upgrades if you finish them with high enough scores. There are over 100 side missions, including races, taxi drop offs, and destruction based challenges to complete, and tied in with those missions are 60 possible upgrade points to acquire that can boost things like how much damage your car can dish out/receive, how well vehicles perform, and how much focus time you can accumulate. It’s a nice little RPG-ish system that adds a sense of purpose and reward to the side missions. However, because you have to score in the top two score ranges to unlock the upgrades, it can be a bit frustrating and tedious, since you’ll find yourself having to replay almost every single challenge at least a couple times in order to score in the appropriate range to unlock that particular upgrade. Fortunately, you don’t need to unlock them all to complete the game, but it can make things a bit more manageable, especially during some of the more intense chase sequences.

And, boy, are these chases intense. The high-octane, Hollywood-style scenes that play out in this game can be downright manic, due in large part to the Burnout- esque controls and presentation. Blowing up cars with a few perfectly placed bullets, blasting out tires and smashing into enemies until they have no logical choice but to explode (in true over-the-top fashion) all come off smoothly and seamlessly. The car melee mechanics are equally smooth and seamless. Pushing the right thumbstick left or right causes your car to strafe in the corresponding direction. Focus shots let you slow down time and aim at enemies ahead of you (passengers, gas tanks, and tires). The cyclone maneuver lets you whip your car around 360 degrees (also in slow motion) and shoot any baddies who might be behind you. The other very cool move lets you car jack another moving vehicle while you yourself are speeding along in/on your own vehicle. All the moves work great most of the time, and they all look/feel badass every single time you do them.

Collision Un-Detection 

Despite its impressive design, vehicle damage can be a bit unbalanced at times. It takes way too many collisions (and hard collisions at that) to blow up/incapacitate enemy cars. One or two solid hits at 100 mph should be enough, but you’ll find yourself having to smash into them five, six, seven times before seeing any results. In fact, you’ll rely more on blowing up cars with slow-mo pistol shots than with melee attacks, simply because trying to ram them off the road is too time consuming and taxing on your car (even more incentive to complete those side missions). Things get even more ridiculous when it comes to enemy motorcycles. While they can’t take as much damage as the cars (thank god), it still takes way too many hits to bring them down. Seeing a truck hit a motorcycle at death-defying speeds and have absolutely no effect just looks idiotic.

Of course, the real issue behind these complaints is that the game is constantly deflating that anticipatory enthusiasm you get just before you smash your car into an enemy vehicle at ridiculously high speeds. The whole thrill of Burnout (aside from the stunning, slow-mo destruction) is knowing that when you throw your car into an enemy, it’s going to result in a breathtaking crash. Your body probably even moves to the appropriate side as your playing because that connection is so visceral and you can sense what is about to happen. Wheelman has an endless amount of crazy, slow-motion crashes, but they take too much effort to pull off, and as such, they end up being more frustrating than invigorating. Just to be clear, this complaint has nothing to do with the game’s difficulty, but rather with a design choice that appears to contradict the game’s intentions.

The other major issue with the vehicle combat results from the unprecedented level of rubber banding used to guide enemies. It’s clear that the game wants every chase to sustain a high level of intensity and danger, but it constantly does so at the expense of fun. Enemy vehicles operate according to an entirely different set of laws than the ones used to govern your vehicles. While Hollywood physics are certainly on your side (most of the time), you still have to account for momentum and acceleration (to some degree). Enemies on the other hand instantly go the speed they want to go, regardless of make, model or circumstance. There is nothing funnier/more illogical than seeing police vans or semi-truck trailers out maneuvering and out pacing your sports car. Of course, when you’re in one of those larger vehicles, they are the slowest and heaviest things on the road. This often makes the chases infuriating because you aren’t rewarded for good driving, since no matter how far behind enemies might get they can just warp-speed to your position. It’s even worse during the brutally unbalanced, yet thankfully optional, racing side missions, which end up being excruciating at best and unplayable at worst.

Shoot (and shoot and shoot) to Kill

When you aren’t behind the wheel of some soon to be destroyed car or bike, you’ll be engaging in some good old-fashioned shootouts. All the weapons are your standard fair, and while there isn’t a cover system like other third-person shooters, you can duck behind cover should the need arise. Pulling the left trigger locks your sights on an enemy, and if you lock on while ducking, you’ll pop up when you shoot and duck back down when you stop. The aiming works just like GTA IV, in that you are able to lock on and then target an enemy’s head for one-shot kills, which is very much appreciated since the enemies (even the ones not wearing bulletproof vests) can sometimes take entire clips without consequence. One of the most peculiar elements of the on-foot combat is that whenever you kill someone, the screen does this bizarre blur/shutter effect, accompanied by an even more bizarre metallic whirring sound. I honestly have no idea what this is supposed to represent or why it’s in the game.

GTA: Barcelona?

I’m not too familiar with the actual layout of Barcelona, but judging from the pictures I’ve seen, the developers did a very thorough job in recreating it for this game. The city is massive, with lots of variety in terms of architecture, neighborhoods and styles. It doesn’t feel as alive as other open worlds. Seeing as the game’s primary focus is the driving, it does its job, by giving you plenty of pavement to push. You can’t hit pedestrians, but you can smash through pretty much every object and/or structure you encounter. The vehicles also dent, crumple and break apart believably and when all three happen at the same time (thank you focus shots), it’s quite a sight. There are load screens before and after almost every mission, and while they aren’t that long, the sheer volume of them can be annoying. The cutscenes show off some nice lip synching and lighting effects, and even during the most frenzied of chases, the frame rate remains solid. There are some texture and pop-in issues here and there, but the game sports some impressive draw distances and structural detailing.

Semi-Controlled Crash

There’s no doubt that Wheelman succeeds in offering over-the-top, cinematic chases, well-designed vehicle melee mechanics, and an impressive recreation of Barcelona in which to carry out endless acts of vehicular insanity. Unfortunately, the game is so utterly content to be a mindless, uninspired action-crime game that it oftentimes sacrifices fun for the sake of pseudo-intensity. Chases can be exhilarating at times, but then something inevitably comes along to pull you out of the experience (having to ram a car seven or eight times to bring it down, watching enemies warp speed back into position after you’ve pulled off some incredibly skilled maneuver to lose them, etc.). And while there is quite a bit to do in terms of side missions and upgrades, the lack of multiplayer, especially given the slick vehicle mechanics, is a real disappointment. Overall, Wheelman isn’t the worst car on the lot, but a test drive is about all it’s worth. 

Article Wirtten By: Jake Gaskill