G4TV

The Olympics are supposed to be the world's games. That might be true for the summer half--because, hey, anyone can run. But the Winter Games are an anomaly, in that they're so totally catered to rich Scandinavians. To practice, you need snow for starters, followed by expensive equipment like skis and bobsleds. Not exactly accessible to the bulk of the planet's population, are they? Regardless, they're still a big deal, and 2K Games and developer 49 Games are attempting to win the first medal for achievement in an Olympic-licensed game.

Event Horizon

Torino 2006 boasts 15 events--which, if viewed like old-school games in a compilation, wouldn't be a shabby number. Unfortunately, that number is drastically embellished; for example, it counts each of the three lengths of women's speed skating as an individual event. In all honesty, there are really only five different gameplay elements here. None are the sweat-inducing button-mash exercises of Olympic games past, but in many ways that formula would have been preferred.

The bobsled/luge competitions are the best of the bunch--which is like being the least worm-riddled apple in the dumpster. They give a good sense of speed with their first-person view, and they're the easiest to control. Cross-country skiing events are serviceable, though extremely boring. Spend three minutes keeping a meter out of the red while a guy skis. Biathlon -- perhaps the dumbest sport since the dawn of Man -- is basically cross-country skiing with a crappy rifle training mission tacked on. Speed skating events use a rhythmic timing-based control scheme, but it's far too erratic to be any good.

For ski jumping, imagine grinding one rail in Tony Hawk, and that's it. And there are three ski jumping events. Is your heart pumping yet? At least they're mercifully short. Last but no less least are the ski slalom courses, where any semblance of control melts quicker than an icicle in a sauna. Don't let a cop see you playing slalom, as it's impossible to not look like you're high/drunk by the way the character can't navigate the flags. A rudimentary ice hockey game or a DDR-style figure skating event would’ve been nice to spice up the events. On second thought, the developers probably would've just messed those up, too.

Ugly in Defeat

At first glance, Torino 2006 may not look too bad graphically. The models are plain but solid, and the environments look accurate--not too hard when they're all white. In all the attempts at TV-style presentation, you never see anything substantial or interesting. Medal presentations are so lame, they used the same mo-cap footage for both men and women. You just won a gold in the Luge, Magnus; give the crowd that beauty queen flipper wave!

As far as audio, the commentary isn't all bad. The two-man team drones on about past Olympic results and the history of each event; but with such lame sound effects and virtually no music, there's nothing else to listen to. When we say virtually no music, we mean they didn't even include anthems to the countries to play during medal presentations, or play anything during your cross-country ski excursions. Your cell phone's ring tone has more music than this entire game.

Boycott the Games

You can play through a 15-event smorgasbord of boredom in about an hour, and then bury Torino 2006 in yellow snow forever. Unique challenges attempt to inspire replay, but when the rewards are things like hyper difficulty, we'd rather boycott. You want to give us replay, 2K Games? How about online multiplayer? How about international leaderboards? All we hear are crickets.

This is the most low-rent sports game this side of NRA Varmint Hunter. Its performance is along the lines of the Jamaican bobsled team's, without the humor. If you actually throw down two Hamiltons for this baby, you'll be doing anything but laughing.