Hold fast to thy convictions, let not thy passions rule thee and together, we shall overcome all the troubles that beset thee In Your Pantaloons.

My longtime girlfriend and I have saved ourselves for marriage. We're getting married next month and I don't really know what to do. I mean, I know what to do with my parts and her parts, but could you tell me what to do to make it good?

Thou must do only this, and its meaning will not be discerned by thee until the moment arrives, get down with thy bad self.

I cheated on my girlfriend with her sister. Now, every time my girl and I make love, I can't help but see her sister's face instead of hers. The guilt is driving me crazy. What should I do?

Get thee a blindfold. It will help thee avoid visions of thy lover's sister. However, it wilt not stop thee from seeing what a douche bag thou truly art.

What's the best way to approach a woman in a club?

Approach from the east.

If thy neighbor's van is a rockin', please start knocking and save him from the sin of fornication. He might wound thee near fatally, but later he shall thank yee for keeping him chaste. Yes, that is how it shall be.

I've never been to a strip club, not for moral reasons or anything, but I've decided I'm finally going to go check one out. However, I don't want to look like a noob and get taken for everything in my wallet, so I want to know, what can I expect to pay?

Thou canst expect to pay dearly for thine iniquity... as well as a $10 entrance fee, $7 for drinks and $20 for dances.

In this world so filled with temptation, what's the best way to stay a virgin?

Get thee a Sega Genesis. Not only will it distract thee from lustful thoughts, but no woman shall come within a hundred yards of thee.

My boyfriend is always trying to get "in my pantaloons," but I feel it's inappropriate. How say you?

Thou art correct. Tell him that your pantaloons would not fit him and that he should mayhaps buy his own.

Ye might deny it, but ye have the plague. Verily, thou art plagued by lust and temptation at every moment. The only cure is an injection of temperance and purity. To be free, thou must allow said cure to course through thy body and spirit and ruminate In Your Pantaloons.

What makes you think you're fit to give sex advice? I've been reading your posts and you're uptight, old fashioned and puritanical to a fault.

Me thinks thou hast just answered thine own question.

My wife and I are fairly experimental and we're thinking about kicking things up a notch and doing a little swinging. Is that a bad idea?

Sir, thy wife should not be passed around like a collection basket at Sunday services. 

I still find my girlfriend of four years attractive, but when it comes to sex I need a little more help me in the bedroom and when I say "help," I mean adult films.

Did David need more than a stone to fell a giant? Nay. I wouldst suggest that ye find thy stones and discover a way to do thy husbandly duty in a pure fashion.

The temptations of the flesh are plentiful, yet purity is within thine grasp as long as ye show restraint In Your Pantaloons.

My new boyfriend just told me he's a furry. What should I do?

Must ye be told not to lie down with the beast of the field?

I can only have sex with the lights off. Is that weird?

Nay. Clearly, thou art wise and hath discovered that shame shalt protect thee like brass vestments and cover thee like sackcloth.

I'm thinking about introducing "toys" into the bedroom. I'm not sure my wife would enjoy them. What do you think?

Thou art a man, so put away childish things. What place hath a stuffed doll or plastic figurines in love making?

Though your loins boil, toil not in the ways of evil. There is another path and it doth lead away from your corrupt and lustful heart, past your gullet and ends finally In Your Pantaloons.

I'm only sexually excited by strippers. I can't date a normal girl. I don't even want to date really. I only like seeing midwestern runaways work the pole. Everyone keeps telling me I have a problem, but really, what's wrong with what I'm doing?

Lowly miscreant, some day ye shall be as financially bankrupt as thou art morally bankrupt. Hast thou never heard of the prodigal son? Did he not like to see runaways work the pole also? Learn from his folly.
 

My wife and I love role playing in the bedroom. I pretend to be all sorts of things like gladiators, cops and naughty doctors. I even dressed up as a space alien once. I'm starting to run out of ideas. Who do you think I should pretend to be next?

I think that ye should pretend to be a mentally healthy adult who can have coitus without the trappings of a small child who is fixated on fantasy worlds and imaginary figures. Thy role playing is a shame unto thee and thy wife.

I'm trying not to have sex until marriage, but is dry humping technically sex?

Is Purgatory technically Hell? No, but it's still no place thou should strive to be.

Where would ye be without the moral compass that is In Your Pantaloons? Lost among the heathens and harlots, assuredly.

I accidently walked in on my parents having sex. My dad saw me, but my mother didn't. It's made things weird at home. I feel like I should talk about it, but maybe I should just let it go. Will things get better if we just talk it out?

Nay, thou shouldst not speak of this again, especially to thine mother. I shalt be home shortly.

I can only get girls when I act like a total jerk. I hate it and feel bad later. What should I do?

Thou knowest it is a sin to mistreat thine brothers and sisters. So, I suppose what ye should do is prepare for a life of loneliness and solitude.

I cheated on my wife about a year back and she's still mad at me and absolutely refuses to have sex. Is there any way to get back in her good graces?

There is but one course of action, pray for a quick death, for ye have chosen to make thine life a living hell. Instead of sex, ye shall have no rest day or night.

You modern day Romeos and Juliets must needs temper your lust. I have come to provide all the temperance you'll need in a lifetime.

I've got this weird, sexual fetish and nothing else gets me aroused. I'm too ashamed to share it with anyone and have decided to be celibate the rest of my life. Is this a good idea?

At last, one who has an ear has heard! It is good always to be ashamed of thy most unbridled passions.

How does one please a woman?

I knowest not and frankly, that's not what this column is about.

I'm very well endowed. That's all. I'm just writing to let you know that I'm very well endowed.

Fie and for shame, thou sinful braggart! Be off to hell with your wicked divining rod.

Let not your hearts nor loins be troubled. In Your Pantaloons has returned to resolve the love troubles that beset thee.

Things are getting boring with a capital "B" in the bedroom, so my hubby and I have decided to do a little roleplaying. Any suggestions?

I suggest ye play the role of a goodly, chaste wife instead of the strumpet thou so clearly art. How doth that suit thee?

This is embarrassing, so I'm just going to say it. I can't get it up!

Count thy blessings. Better to live a life of flaccidity, shame and self-loathing than to be led, protuberance first, into Hell by every scallawag and harlot that ye encounter.

I'm almost forty, lonely and I'm tired of searching for a good man. Who should I marry?

There is but one man for thee. Though I knowest him not intimately, I have heard the prophetic words of one Kid Rock who spake, "Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy." Surely, any man that speaketh in such a heavenly, yet undecipherable tongue as did the saints during Pentecost is righteous and holy.

Rather than be tossed about to and fro on the waves of lust and confusion, let reason and sound judgment be the ship that ferries thee across the seas of love. For thou knowest where truth and purity lies, In Your Pantaloons.

I know this sounds weird coming from a guy, but my girlfriend is pushing me to have sex and I'm not ready. Should I do it to make her happy?

Verily, I say unto thee, there is naught good about sexual congress, except procreation. Yet, even that is questionable. Better to burry those feelings as the farmer buries his seed in the ground. Moreover, burry not thy seed in the ground, if though knowest what I mean.

I've been watching the show and I've discovered that the Masking Fetish really turns me on. Thanks for introducing me to my new favorite pastime!

Tarry where thou art. Thou shalt soon see me on the horizon, full of vigor and carrying the tools of exorcism.

I want to know if sex in "the other place" will hurt, because I want to try it, but not if it's painful.

Must ye, like a breaking dam, have every hole filled? Sigh.

Now, good gentlemen and chaste ladies, the time has come for your quandaries about the most private organ, the heart to be answered. Give ear, lest this permissive society sway you with its talk of premarital coupling and love with strange appendages. 

My girlfriend of five years is cheating on me. What should I do?

Any harlot that would violate the tenuous, yet sacred bonds of courtship should be burned at the stake. Report her grave misdeeds to the local constable and tell a priest immediately.

I got a rash "down there" after sex with a stranger and I don't know what to do about it. Help!

Worry not. A quick burning at the stake should heal whatever ails you. Your improper and indecent congress, with what was surely one of Lucifer's agents in disguise, has yielded sour fruit. It's time to burn that fruit in a pyre that will appease the vengeful wrath of the Lord of Hosts. Think about the divine fury that would beset your community otherwise.

Dear In Your Pantaloons, lately I've had a roving eye. I truly love my husband, but things have gotten boring and predictable. I don't want to step out on him, but I'm afraid if things don't pick up soon, I'm going to do something stupid to get some zest back into my life. I could use a little guidance. Sincerely, Sleepless in Andover.

Dear Sleepless, relationships are complex and often trying, this I know well. It is up to thee and thine partner to make things work. Otherwise, your marriage could fall apart and you could lose the one you truly love. I doth believe that a stake burning would solve all thine problems. Please, consult the local constable and a priest.

Every week, Anna David answers your sex and romance questions in the safety and calm of our studios and she does a bang up job, but recently she decided to do something a bit different, something more raw and exciting. Rather than wait for you timid lambs to come to her with your sex questions, she decided to go to you.

Anna combed the streets of New York looking for curious souls with sex on the brain and she had no problem finding them. Indulge your voyeuristic side and allow yourself this one, lingering look into the hidden and erotic thought's of the Big Apple's most amorous and free spirited denizens.

Everyone's favorite pretty lady who talks about sexual issues is back! Anna David will be here live in the studio to answer your questions.

Here's what Anna David has to say about herself:

"Anna David has been on staff at Premiere and Parenting, was a fulltime freelancer at People, wrote a sex and relationship column for Razor, and has also been published in Details, Playboy, Cosmo, Maxim, Stuff, Redbook, Teen Vogue, The LA Times, Vanity Fair, Variety, People, Us Weekly, TV Guide,The New York Post, Tatler, Esquire UK, Movieline, LA Confidential, Vegas, and Ocean Drive, among many others.

She's a pop culture expert for The Today Show, appears regularly on Fox Reality Channel's Reality Remix, and has also been featured on ESPN's Cold Pizza, Fox's The Best Damn Sports Show Period, NBC's The Other Half, The Style Network's Modern Girl's Guide to Life, and a collection of shows on VH1 and E! Her first novel, Party Girl, is out now." Read on to see Anna's answers to today's questions.

Everyone's favorite pretty lady who talks about sexual issues is back! Anna David will be here live in the studio to answer your questions.

Here's what Anna David has to say about herself:

"Anna David has been on staff at Premiere and Parenting, was a fulltime freelancer at People, wrote a sex and relationship column for Razor, and has also been published in Details, Playboy, Cosmo, Maxim, Stuff, Redbook, Teen Vogue, The LA Times, Vanity Fair, Variety, People, Us Weekly, TV Guide,The New York Post, Tatler, Esquire UK, Movieline, LA Confidential, Vegas, and Ocean Drive, among many others.

She's a pop culture expert for The Today Show, appears regularly on Fox Reality Channel's Reality Remix, and has also been featured on ESPN's Cold Pizza, Fox's The Best Damn Sports Show Period, NBC's The Other Half, The Style Network's Modern Girl's Guide to Life, and a collection of shows on VH1 and E! Her first novel, Party Girl, is out now." Read on to see Anna's answers to today's questions.

Every week, Anna David answers your sex and romance questions in the safety and calm of our studios and she does a bang up job, but recently she decided to do something a bit different, something more raw and exciting. Rather than wait for you timid lambs to come to her with your sex questions, she decided to go to you.

Anna combed the streets of New York looking for curious souls with sex on the brain and she had no problem finding them. Indulge your voyeuristic side and allow yourself this one, lingering look into the hidden and erotic thought's of the Big Apple's most amorous and free spirited denizens.

Everyone's favorite pretty lady who talks about sexual issues is back! Anna David will be here live in the studio to answer your questions.

Here's what Anna David has to say about herself:

"Anna David has been on staff at Premiere and Parenting, was a fulltime freelancer at People, wrote a sex and relationship column for Razor, and has also been published in Details, Playboy, Cosmo, Maxim, Stuff, Redbook, Teen Vogue, The LA Times, Vanity Fair, Variety, People, Us Weekly, TV Guide,The New York Post, Tatler, Esquire UK, Movieline, LA Confidential, Vegas, and Ocean Drive, among many others.

She's a pop culture expert for The Today Show, appears regularly on Fox Reality Channel's Reality Remix, and has also been featured on ESPN's Cold Pizza, Fox's The Best Damn Sports Show Period, NBC's The Other Half, The Style Network's Modern Girl's Guide to Life, and a collection of shows on VH1 and E! Her first novel, Party Girl, is out now." Read on to see Anna's answers to today's questions.